Adam is still ill, probably with a viral infection.  No other infection found in his urine, so that’s good news.

Now the debate is: to do settle in days in daycare or not.

Simon and I are leaning towards not.

Adam didn’t actually settle into daycare until we said ‘Okay kid, this is it.  Deal.’  And, eventually, he did.

Also, I have some major projects with my main client that have been totally neglected over the last month or so due to Adam being out of daycare so much.  So I really need those hours to,  you know, make some money.

So I think, come Monday, he’s just going to go back. Plop.  Into daycare.

And he’ll deal.

Eventually.

Why? Because Adam has had 3 ear infections and 2 chest infections, 2 of each in the last month. And has had to take antibiotics for them.

Why do I blame myself?

Because I couldn’t breastfeed.

Everyone (yeah, ya know, everyone; they’s neighbours?) says that breastfeed babies have much better immune systems. That they never get ill.  That they walk at 2 months and talk at 3 months and go to Harvard at 3 years old. Oh and they can drive by the time they are 18 months.

Obviously I am being hyperbolic about this, but its almost that bad.  If  you formula feed, for what ever your reason, you are, basically, stunting your child for life.

I would normally laugh this off.  I don’t do competitive parenting, I think its ridiculous.  But this one, about a weaker immune system, is hitting really close to home right now.  As my son coughs himself awake night after night.  As goop drains out of his ear and his fever spikes to 100.6.  May not sound all that high, but he’s normally around 97.4.  So its about 3 degrees.  That’s a lot.

That’s all happened in the last week.  And I put off taking him to the doctor because I just couldn’t believe he had yet another infection.  So he didn’t get any antibiotics until Thursday.  When he probably needed them starting Tuesday.  And I should really listen to my Mum.  Who told me to take him to the doctor on Wednesday.

Another reason to feel like a crap mother.  Because after just 2 doses of his antibiotic, he started acting more like himself again.

In any case, I know not being able to breastfeed was not my fault.  I had no milk.  Fact.  I may or may not have had milk if Adam hadn’t been a C-section, if he hadn’t needed to be in SCBU for 9 days, if if if if if…but I didn’t have any.

So I gave him Cow & Gate.  And no one can say he hasn’t thrived, my 31.5 inch, somewhere around 30 pound, at nearly 15 months son.  But he does keep getting these bugs.

Now, everyone knows daycare centres are hot beds of germs.  And he’s proving it.  He was out of daycare more than he was in it in August.  And now he’s missed another 2 days.  Just as he was settling in so nicely.

So I feel guilty.  Is it because I had no milk? Could I have had milk if I’d just tried a little bit harder?

Of course not.  Well, the lower immunity might be, who really knows?  But I had no milk no matter what I did.  And I did it all.

So, Mummy Guilt rears its ugly head.  And I feel like a crap mother.

Even though, in my head, I know I’m not.

Could someone just tell my heart that?

6 years ago today, at 10am on a Sunny Saturday morning, you stood waiting for me in the wedding room at City Hall.  About 30 minutes later we heard ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’.

Since then we’ve been through a lot.  Uncertainty about your job.  My health problems, mental and physical.  Bugs invading our flat.  Moving to our new, wonderful flat.  And, of course, Adam’s birth.

And through it all, you’ve been my rock.  As I’ve been diagnosed with Diabetes.  And Fibromyalgia.  And all my mental health issues.  Really, you probably should have turned me in on a healthier model.  But you haven’t.  And I know you won’t.

Every day I love you more and more.

Love

Robyn

And I am cursing the rotten parents who abused toddler cold medicine, using it when their babies wouldn’t sleep rather than when they were ill, so all governments everywhere took it off the market.

I just want my baby to be able to breathe.  And sleep.

Apparently that’s too much to ask.

So I put Adam in his new stroller and headed off.  Simon was a bit iffy about it, as its not the best part of Belfast, but I realized as we walked along that so long as I wasn’t wearing my ‘I’m for a United Ireland’ t-shirt, I’d be okay.  NB: I don’t actually own such a t-shirt.  My point is that the area is heavy LOL with lamp-posts with pictures of the Queen and everything.  Simon says about 1 block to the left is the just the opposite.

Anyway, it was a very nice walk, mostly flat (as opposed to my other Tesco, which is mostly uphill the whole way) and with traffic lights almost every crossing (also unlike my other Tesco) and then I was there.  Mecca.  Okay, so its just a very nice shopping centre with a Really Really Big Tesco (TM) and a Dunnes and Boots and all sorts of places.  It was fab.

So Adam and I looked around Dunnes.  And then went and did the shopping in Really Really Big Tesco (TM).  I carried through with a plan I’d been thinking about for awhile, which was to fold the pushchair up and stick it in a trolley rather than try to carry a hand-basket and push the stroller.  Worked a treat, except that there was no safety strap in the trolley seat, so I tied him in with a string I had!

Adam loved it.  I forgot to take a picture, though.  Maybe next time.

However, since it was a Really Really Big Tesco (TM) and it was laid out differently from my usual Tesco (and why is that? Why can’t they all be laid out the same?) shopping took longer than usual.  Suddenly it was noon and I had a hungry, cranky boy on my hands.  I wasn’t feeling too uncranky myself, actually.

So what’s a Mama to do?  We went to the food court.  Where our choices were Chinese, Burger King, Subway or Chicken Cottage.  And I knew the one thing Adam *might* eat was chicken.  So Adam had his very first ever child’s meal.  Chicken and Chips.  He ate about one nugget and some chips.  I had some chicken as well.

And then we headed home.  And belly full of chips boy fell asleep in his pram about 10 minutes from the flat and stayed asleep for about an hour.

So it was a good adventure.  I was feeling guilty about the lunch until I spoke to Simon:

‘Forgive me Dada, for I have sinned.’  I said to him on the phone.

‘Oh?’ He replied

‘Adam had his first ever fast food lunch today.’

‘Oh.  Well he’s had bits of my Egg McMuffins when he’s been with me and I’ve had one.’

Guilt 100% gone.

I’m not as nervous as I might be as the client is someone I’ve known for years and consider a work friend.  I mean, we’ve never gotten together away from The Science Park, other than Science Park parties, but we chat when we see each other, catch up, enquire about our kids, that sort of thing.

Its not even really a pitch, more of a ‘hey, wanna have some coffee and I’ll tell you what I can do for you, if you’re interested?’  His company already has a fairly decent website, it just needs updating.  And maintained.  I am hoping he may need a brochure or two as well.

So keep an eye on my website.  I’m about to add a gallery page and maybe, just maybe, a new client to the list.

That holds true every day of my life.

I am in pain of some sort 24/7/365.  Whether my left hand aches from arthritis or my left leg hurts from ass to ankle with early degenerative disease or my upper arms protest from the simplest actions due to fibro, there is some kind of pain in my body.  Sometimes all of the above at the same time. Sometimes even more than that.

So when I wake up and its only one of those things? That’s an awesome day.

Today? Is pretty much an awesome day.  My left hand doesn’t hurt (although it is stiff).  My leg feels pretty good.  My arms are less sore than they have been lately.

The main reason for this is rest.  Simon is on holiday for two weeks, this week coming up being the second, and, as we try to do when he’s off, we’ve been each having 2 nights on, 2 nights off, getting up with Adam.  And not only have the last two nights been my nights off, but Adam has started to sleep better again.  So really, I’ve had 3 fairly decent nights sleep in a row.

And all it really takes is 2.  2 good nights and I start to feel better.  The problem has been the 3rd night.  But, with any luck, Adam will sleep well tonight and I’ll get 4 decent nights sleep in a row.

Man, imagine how good I might feel tomorrow!

14 months and lots has been happening!

Right now you have an ear and chest infection and are on antibiotics.  Luckily you take medicine very well.

You are getting into things more and more, keeping Mama and Dada hopping: -

You’ve got a new pushchair, to save Mama some energy as we go up the hill to daycare.  You seem to like it very much, as you sort of lounge in it.

But mostly you’re becoming a toddler.  Insisting on doing things yourself.  Not wanting to waste time with nappy changes.  Hating to sit on some one’s lap for long periods (unless you’re very sleepy).  You want to be out and about and doing doing doing.  You want to be walking, but aren’t quite sure how that works yet beyond a step or two (unless holding on!).  Mama can just tell that as soon as you figure it out? You’ll go straight to running.

Although you’ve never crawled on hands and knees, you have no problem getting around:

You’ve also started to eat exactly what Mama and Dada eat, or you won’t eat at all.  The other night we had a curry and started to give you something out of a jar.  You refused to eat it, peering interestingly at Mama’s plate.  So she gave you a small piece of Chicken Tikka.  And some Na’an.  Chapati?  Pilau Rice?  Ate.It.All.

You’ve now had stuffed cod, salmon in garlic and soy, lamb stew, beef stew, pickles, chips and one small piece of corn crisp.  You wanted more of the last but Mama had a fear of you choking on it.

Unfortunately, you are having a tough time settling into daycare.  You cry when Mama or Dada leave you, although they say you do play a bit and seem to be getting better, there is still some crying off and on.  It probably won’t help that you’ve missed a few days due to being ill this month, but we’ll start again next week.

You’ve also got 2 new teeth poking through.  Upper right and left, one over from your incisor.  So you’ll have a gap.  And nothing to chew against, as you still only have the two front on the bottom!

The biggest news of all?  And the reason Mama is actually glad this is a day late?  Because today, this morning, for the first.time.ever?  You looked right at me and said Mama.

I love you

Mama

The answer is no.  The reason there is suddenly so much work being done around here is that I finally got a contact at our landlord’s who, when I ring and say ‘The metal strip between Adam’s room and hall has lifted and is dangerous.’  Replies ‘I’ll have someone out tomorrow.’

As opposed to our previous contact who, when I said ‘the paint is chipping quite badly in the hall’ came ’round, took a mass of pictures and never did anything.  My new contact, when I pointed out it was still chipping, came ’round, took a look, and scheduled the shower replacement and the repainting within in weeks.  My first conversation about this? Was about a year ago.

But now the work is done.  The en suite shower is replaced.  The paint is fixed.  The broken shower door in the hall bath is gone and a rail up instead, with a shower curtain I chose myself.

And now to organize.

The goal, overall, is to make the closets usable, rather than large dumping grounds, and to make Adam’s room as safe for him as possible.  Adam’s room has always also been a dumping ground and is no way, shape or form safe for the toddler he is quickly becoming.  I want to make it so we can put a stair gate up and leave him in there to play without supervision.  We do have a playpen, but how cool would it be for him to have his *entire* room for that?!

So the large bookcases full of Mummy and Daddy’s books are being moved.  The bits and pieces he has outgrown are going to be sold.  The tall cupboards that hold his things will be fastened to the wall.  And so on.

Because my baby? Is starting to walk: -

The plan today was tuna, which I would then put under the grill with a mustard/mayo sauce and serve with the fresh local peas also purchased at St George’s today.  Except the tuna was £19.50 a kilo and looked a little off.

So instead I bought cod.  And am in the middle, right now, as we speak, of making Fish Stew.

This is a recipe that I acquire from my father in law.  He makes it much much better than I do, although Simon says mine is okay.  His is probably much better because I replace the 6 tablespoons of olive oil he cooks the fish in with fish stock.

The recipe:

500g firm white fish, like cod

2 cloves garlic

5 tomatoes

500g white mushrooms, sliced or quartered, depending on your mood

6 T plus Fish stock or olive oil

parsley

6 oz single cream

Clean and debone the fish.  It helps to have a pin boner for this.  I love my gadgets.

Cook at 200 C for 15 minutes in 6 T fish stock.

Turn oven down to 180 C and continue to cook, checking on moistness of fish frequently.  Add more stock as needed.

Meanwhile, deseed the tomatoes and cook in a bit of olive oil until mushy.  Peel off the skins and discard.

Add the garlic, mushrooms and parsley.

When the fish is cooked, add the cream to the pan and stir to combine.

Pour over fish and cook for another 5 minutes.

Serve over rice.

Its loverly.